Lately, I've been gnawing on the idea of the pursuit of finding a balance for myself and what I want to do professionally.
A little over two weeks ago, I was offered a position at a different company in the same field. The health company where I was working was in the thick of an event, so HR was amazing enough to pay me for a week where I could take time off since my articles were already finished.
What. A. Gift.
This was the time for me to turn off Netflix, remove all social media icons from my phone, and do what I've always wanted to do: de-stress.
So I did that.
I'd wake up with Adam as he prepared for work, but took my time with my morning. I'd read a few chapters of the books that had been piling by my nightstand, and then was prepped and dressed at Luci's Marketplace by 9 a.m.
I finished my e-book and wrote a children's book for submission, just to do cross that off my bucket list. I did the phantom blogging idea, where I wrote a few half-chewed articles.
Around 2 p.m., I'd go to Burton Barr Library and exchanged books, or I would to Bookman's to buy a few books. When I'd return home, I'd clean the apartment, play with Zooey, meditate, write in my journal, make dinner, went on walks and did yoga, and just reveled without (too much) technology.
I even went on a few road trips.
But, this was me. This was my rhythm, my pace.
As I get older, I realize that I have an increasingly lower threshold for the people and environments that don't suite my personality. I know that I'm a sensitive person easily affected by others' emotions and reactions. This is an inherent trait and instead of trying not to be that way--because trying so hard is draining. I've decided to embrace these parts of me that I lay out at home, but guard elsewhere.
Easier said than done, right? Why do I even do that? It's like I'm doubling or something.
I know, innately, that I am headed in the wrong direction. I feel it. I know it. My body is so outstandingly amazing at saying, "No! This doesn't fit." And yet I head (pardon the pun) there any way because I think: "I'll make this fit. This has to be me."
But, it's not. So... a crossroads.
Adam and I move into the new home in mid-September, and it'll be beyond the word for wonderful to leave this apartment and start a new chapter. We've needed this. It's been difficult since Adam's left teaching, and he's relying on this contract position as a resume builder with his bachelors in history and masters in teaching. He's where I was after I stopped teaching--trying to build temporal credibility towards a new career, and paying his dues to show that he has job experience in a certain field before something, anything, becomes steady.
Listen, I know life isn't perfect. I'm not striving for perfection. I'm striving for a balance when I can get so easily overwhelmed by my personal and work life. And, I find that that's been often and happening for more than a few years.
Kind of over it. Like now.
I need a new game plan away from the shingles, the ulcers, the anxiety, the psoriasis, the panic attacks, the fear of... what?
Not doing what I want to accomplish in my life or being true to myself? Ack--that sounds so cliche, but I wish I could be like those where I went to work and just did my job and didn't let it affect me. I need to have a purpose or meaning in order to achieve something greater. If the majority of my day is at work of course I want it to have meaning.
Yeah, I know a lot of people don't work that way. I do.
You know, I Google: "Careers for sensitive people" instead of wondering what I want. So here's the gazillion dollar question that I keep striving toward... What do I want to do with my life?
But what about putting up with your job? The retirement funds. The benefits. The 401K. The home. The everything that I want in life, but can't achieve if I don't... what?
Be emotionally healthy and not overly stressed? Not taking the chance to find intellectual, emotional, and physical balance? What chance am I trying to take that I don't see, but am trying (very poorly) to write out? Is it the fear of actually doing it? The fear of job hopping to be happy in a job when maybe there's nothing like that? The acceptance that this is life and learning how to adjust to stress strategies?
But I wasn't going to post this because I was feeling self-conscious and stupid, wondering if I would feel differently in the morning for maybe being too dramatic or emotional, when I found Kelly at HighlySensitivePerson.net.
It's now 1:46 in the morning, and I've listened to about 15 of her podcasts, and I've found myself tearing up saying yes, yes, YESYESYES (in muh head) to everything and anything on her website. I even donated because she's clearly given a huge part of her self with courage of owning her voice and traits to help empower others HSPs to feel normal.
And it's making me feel ahhmazing to know that there is someone who went or is going through what I described above. Anyway, kudos to Kelly and I commmmpletely suggest her blog/podcast if anyone relates to what I originally wrote about because it's completely reassuring and diminishes my "crazy" feelings.
Let me know what you think and if you relate (or if have your own stories!). :)